Discovery-The Journey Through OZ

My name is Sara. I am the wife of a sex addict. Welcome to my journey . . . I just started out and it is ongoing.... Please walk with me....I can use a friend right now. Here is my story:

I did not know I was the Wife of a Sex Addict. I thought I had a reasonably good marriage of 23 years. A nice family with three children, two in college and one starting high school, and a cool dog named Lucy. We lived a nice upper middle class life that we both worked hard to achieve. We were partners in life, family, everything. I loved him, He loved me and we both loved our family and our life together...So I thought.

It was about three months ago, on Tuesday, December 16, 2008, when the bomb dropped. I was very busy with work (struggling real estate agent) yet, I had several christmas gifts to wrap and get under the tree before my kids came home from college later that week. You see, I thought it would be a nice touch for them to walk into the house and find all kinds of wrapped gifts waiting for them. So I took the morning off work and shut myself in our bedroom with wrapping paper, scissors, ribbons,bows and got to work furiously wrapping presents. I was in a T-shirt and a pair of old sweats. I had not yet taken a shower. I had bed head-hair. And I was wearing my glasses that I had since 1983, the pair that everyone in my family makes fun of. Then I heard the garage door open.

It was my husband. What was he doing home? He was supposed to be on an appointment for work? His footsteps pounded across the kitchen floor. He went directly up the stairs and blew open our bedroom door. His face was ashened and his eyes filled with fear. "I have to talk to you." he said. Our eyes locked. Fear rose up inside me. chilling every inch of me. Every hair stood up on end. OMG! Did he lose his job???

And then it came. "I cheated on you." Down went the ribbons and the bows, the scissors and the paper. Down went my self esteem, my hopes and dreams, my life as I knew it. "I was with a hooker" He said. "And she did not think I paid her enough money. She had our number and she threatened to call you and expose me." What?!? "So I wanted to tell you first." He said. "I have to tell you everything. "

I was devastated. I sat my stunned self on the bed while he sat in the chair across from me. "I've been having casual sex with anonymous partners and Its been going on for years." Now I am shattered.

"This has nothing to do with you." He said. "You do not even exist in this world." "Its a perversion that started with porn on the internet. I have only been with adults and most of them are married. For what it is worth I have no attraction to children or animals or anything really sick." Well, at least I got that going for me!

We continued to talk and cry for the rest of the day. We talked about our communication, our marriage. How much he was traveling in his job. How we were actually growing apart from eachother and living separate lives under the same roof. We talked about our waining sex life.

"Why didn't you just have sex with me?" I asked.

"Because you are the wife, the mother, the homemaker, the good person." He said. "And what I wanted was dirty and perverted." ...out came the vodka.

We continued talking into the night. We were going to change our marriage. Improve it. Communicate more. spice up our sex lives. get on the same track together. All good things. We were going to change. And I did....... But he didn't.

Three months later, I thought this was all behind us. Our marriage was on the right track. I was wearing cool new glasses and tossed the old ones. I "sexed" myself up with a new hair style and trendy new clothes. I thought I was looking pretty good. He got an HIV test that came out clean so we no longer used a condom during sex. And we just bought a new box too! We paid more attention to eachother in bed....starting each day with a snuggle...or more. And each night cloistered in eachothers arms as we fell asleep.

THen came the day when I asked to use his computer to work on a project during my open house. See, I needed internet access and he had a wireless card that can be used anywhere. So we switched computers for the day. While at the open house curiosity got the better of me and I searched his computer. Every part of it for some sign that he was still cheating. I found nothing. Nothing at all. Except a buried yahoo profile for someone named "Charles". I thought it came with the computer.....you know...the test profile from yahoo.

I still wanted to check it out though. So I went to Yahoo and typed in username "Charles...@yahoo.com. Password? Oh I don't know....I just typed in a commonly used password in our family. You see after being married for 23 years you get to know eachothers commonly used passwords. So I typed in one of our passwords and....it opened.

In the inbox were several emails. I opened on that was just sent minutes ago. Inside I saw my husband's name replying to an email that said, "Looking for someone to have sex with my wife while I watch."
"Is she ready now?" asked my husband.
"She's ready. When can you be here" said the other guy.
"In thirty minutes" replied my husband.
Then I was suddenly kicked off. You see, only one person can be on the Yahoo account at a time. He was back on.

I felt every part of my self crumbling. How could he be doing this to me! I immediately texted him: "Where are you!" No response. "Call Me!" No response. I called his cell and it went to voicemail. I called the house phone and it went to voicemail. I called his cell again and my daughter answered it: "What do you want?" she asked.
"Where's Daddy!" I demanded.
"He is in the shower." she said.
He is getting ready to go. "Tell him to call me as soon as he is out. "

A few minutes later he calls me. "Don't go..." I pleaded. "Please DON'T GO!! Just stay home until I get there."

When I got home I confronted him. I told him that some stranger forward me the email of him getting ready to go meet someone. I asked him how long has it been since he was back at this. "The next day" he said. The next day after we talked back in December. Great.

Later that night after he fell asleep I snuck out of bed and shut myself in a spare bedroom and went on the "charles" yahoo account. Everything was deleted. It was all gone....except the sent mails. I opened the sent mail file and found He never deleted the sent mails. There were sent mails there from 2004. Over 1800 of them. I stayed up all night reading them, All trying to set up appointments to have sex.....primarily......with men.

I was stunned. This is so horrifying! I am reeling! The betrayal cut me at every level. I am dying inside. This is sooooo bad! He lead me to believe these encounters were with women. I had no idea. This thing is bigger than the both of us. This is going to ruin a perfectly good marriage, a nice family, our good reputations. Everything!

The next day we had a heart to heart talk. I let him know that our marriage was in danger. It will not withstand the blow of this addiction without outside help and support. We decided to call a sex addiction therapist for Help. We found one right in our community. He ws fully booked... hmmm.....we made an appointment for two weeks out. And our treatment began.

He says he is in abstinance. I kind've believe him but I really don't believe anything he says anymore. I checked the Charles account from time to time. I saw that he 'unsubscribed' from the masterbation clubs, the mwm (men with men) clubs, the 'cam' sites and eight other sex groups he was with. He has not sent an email from this account since. The 'inbox' was filling up with junk and spam. Charles was gone...off the internet. It is interesting how you can just make yourself disappear in the internet.... No longer exist. My husband is living with me in my world now. And I feel like I am living in OZ on a magic carpet ride! He still does not know I know about the Charles Yahoo account...and the men. He has not disclosed it to me and I thought I had better wait till he is ready. So here we are. Its been three weeks.

Well that is my story and my journey has begun. Because of the nature of our problem we are forced to be discreet. I did not tell my Mom or any other family members. My friends, coworkers, kids....no one. The only person I have to talk to is him...and now you if you are out there. Welcome to my Journey though OZ.
Sara